I am an Overcomer!

Week 6. Check. It's been a month and a half since starting classes at Garrett. And, in retrospect, Week 6 was the hardest I've had so far.  I worked on my exegetical assignment all weekend, only to have all of my material be wiped away. Then, I was confronted with my first Hebrew exam and was convinced that I was going to fail it. Somewhere around 2 am on Wednesday morning, I hit a wall, went to bed frustrated and got 3 hours of sleep. I woke up late, didn't have time to shower, rushed to my car, put the keys in the ignition and raced to the end of the block. As I was sitting at the stop sign, annoyed that I had to wait for other cars, I took and deep breath. Then, I heard this song for the first time... and cried.

As Mandisa's words howled through my speakers, I put my week in to perspective. Although this dumb assignment, dumb test and crappy week were causing me some serious stress... I told myself that in ten years, I know I won't remember this. Mandisa's chorus hit me like a ton of bricks. She sings:

"Whatever it is you may be going through, I know He's not going to let it get the best of you. You're an overcomer! Stay in the fight until the final round. You're not going under, because God is holding you right now. You might be down for a moment, feeling like it's hopeless, that's when He reminds you... You're an overcomer!"

Although I have never thought of myself in those terms, it's true. I have typically talked about my life by utilizing the analogy of the poker player. Imagine playing poker with God.  Of course, it isn't up to us what cards we get. It's His deal, but somehow he manages to stack the deck because God knows what kind of poker player we are. He knows that some of us may be able to handle just a little bit more on our plates. And, when we can't he's always there to re-deal.

The concept of being an overcomer is a powerful one. It acknowledges that life... is not easy. We don't always get the job, the boy/girl, the new clothes, the car, the picket fence or the dog. In fact, for some of us, we struggle all of our lives only to end up in a one bedroom apartment, on the bad side of town, with nothing to eat, while juggling three part time jobs "just to make it". People who "overcome" play their cards, hoping to catch a break. And, if you're lucky, sometimes you do. But, a majority of the time, you fold, shuffle and play another hand.

That's the beauty of being an overcomer. If life comes through for you the first time, great. If not, there's always a second hand or another chance. God is holding us through all of the good times and the bad. He is empowering us to make bold moves, challenging us to change the game and carrying us through times of transition. He uses our times of trial to show us the extent of our strength!

Once I started to view myself as an overcomer, tackling the rest of the week came easy. The daunting tasks that I had to face now seemed like mini-challenges in my race to prove my mental strength. I turned in my paper with 28 minutes to spare. I finished my Hebrew exam within 20 minutes and had time to check all of my answers in the BDB. I even had the chance to take a nap!

I acknowledge that, through all of the ups and downs in life, I am an overcomer.
What kind of person are you?

A Year In Review: Reflections on Being 22

With a little less than two hours until I'm officially no longer 22, I thought I would spend some time reflecting on my journey thus far. Better take a bathroom break now, because we're going on a years worth of memories!

At the end of 22, all I have to say is "Whew"! What a year. Seriously. Over the last 12 months, I have been out of the country twice, I have graduated from college, I have started seminary, I have intentionally began to develop my faith, I have struggled, I have succeeded, I have fallen behind and I have overcome.

The last 12 months  have brought a lot of changes and challenges in my life. I had the opportunity to spend my last birthday with one of my best friends. This friend and I lived together during my last year of college. We didn't always have a peaches and cream relationship, but she is the person that I know that I can always rely on when crap hits the fan. And, it seemed like crap hit the fan a lot! She pushed me, strengthened me, challenged me and ultimately helped me develop into a better person.  Because of her, I know the meaning of a relationship based on faith. I know that it takes two to make a friendship work and that we can not always rely on the other person to do the work! But, when one friend is struggling, it takes the other to make up the difference. Although we had an immediate bond, I like to joke that it took me some time to warm up to her.

Back in November, I had my first "real-world" disappointment. After applying to my first "adult" position, I was called back for the second interview. Yay! After walking away from that interview, I knew that I didn't have the position. Not yay.  But, what I did have was the experience. I now knew what to expect the next time.

In December, I was e-mailed by a church leader who asked if I was interested in a position within their congregation. After being a little hurt by the rejection of the last church, I decided to give it another shot. Within three weeks, I was interviewing for the position of Coordinator of Children's Ministries with this congregation. After a very short interview process, I was to begin the position February 1st.

My favorite memory from my time with this congregation was when a father walked up to me and said, “Ya know Anitta, I don’t know what you’re doing in Sunday School... but, whatever it is, is working for Ally.” He proceeded to tell me that earlier in the week, the family was hanging out in the back yard. The father was reading and little Ally was playing in the grass with some of her toys. He said that he overheard her chatting to herself. When he looked over at her, she was gazing at a flower and said, “Flower, you’re beautiful because God made you. And, I’m beautiful because God made me.” Ally’s father mentioned that this was the first time that Ally had brought up God on her own and that she seemed to have a small but mighty insight into the nature of God.

As you can imagine, I was overjoyed to get this feedback, not only for the knowledge that what I was saying was getting through, but also that it was making a difference in the faith life of a child. Admittedly, I was a little nervous when Ally’s father approached me. After all, I was new to the position and it seemed to be that EVERYONE had an opinion on how I was supposed to be doing my job. I wrongly assumed that he was going to be an agent of judgment; however, he was an agent of affirmation in a time when I really needed it. Working in my first ministry position, at many times, I felt way in over my head. I was young, in college and childless; yet, I was responsible for directing the Church’s role in spiritual formation of these young children. Although I was sometimes frustrated or overwhelmed, in the midst of my doubt, He found ways to continuously give me small affirmations that I was on the right path. Not only that, He allowed me to have an impact on the call of not only Ally, but of all of the children in that community.

The continual affirmations that I received in this ministry, made me rethink my calling. I struggled. A lot. If it was not for the whirl wind adventure that I took in March with my roommate, I think I might have exploded with stress. If it wasn't for her optimism, creativity and adventurous drive, I would have never had the courage to travel to the Dominican Republic. After a week of crazy adventures, jumping off of waterfalls, swimming in the ocean and toasting along the beach side, I thought that I would return to finish out my undergrad with a bang!

During spring term of my senior year, I took one of my favorite classes at North Central, Philosophy of Religion. It was within this class that I began to ask questions about Religions that would have a large impact on my faith. I learned about contemporary Christian theologies, about the origin of the world and about how as a person of faith, I have options within my Religion! Undoubtedly, this class helped me form the questions that I am hoping to answer during my time at seminary.

As graduation was quickly approaching, I found myself drowning my emotions in my work. I could not possibly be sad or mourn the end of a era if I had four jobs, could I!? Wrong. So, wrong. I think sometimes when we think about graduation, people expect us to be excited to "get in the real world". However, this was not the feeling that I and many of my peers shared. We were not T-Swifts version of being 22. We were mourning the loss of our friends, the loss of our home and, in a sense, the loss of ourselves. Although we're told we're Cardinals for life, it does not feel like it in that moment.

And then the day came. I, Anitta Milloro, walked across the stage. I didn't trip. I didn't cry. I, didn't really feel anything. I couldn't believe it was over. I smiled, I posed, I entertained. Because, that's what I was supposed to do, right? I had too much to think about to really feel like a graduate.

The day after graduation, I embarked on a spiritual journey with five people that I didn't know much about, but came to love. For the second summer in a row, I directed the New Beginnings VBS team. With some much needed changes, the program became something that I treasured. It was the first time, in a long time, I became intentional about my faith and what how I was to live it out. I almost felt like I had spent the last four years learning the theories behind being a Christian, but didn't seek out the personal growth. The summer went by too quickly.

Week after week, day in and day out, we talked, taught and meditated on what it meant to be a neighbor. Little did I know that this curriculum would hit so close to home when I made the trek to Israel and Palestine in August. (I know I haven't shared a lot about this trip with ya'll yet, but it's because I am working on a blog post that is trying to capture all of the little pieces!) Some things that I took away from this trip: 1) I have seen, now I am responsible. 2) I am not anti-Jew; I am pro-human. 3)I believe in the rights of all people to receive respect. This trip moved me in ways that I can't describe. I've always known that I have a heart for mission, but this trip served as a reminder that it's easy to be an American. And, as an American, it's easy to be a Christian. However, it shouldn't be! Jesus taught a Gospel that made people feel uncomfortable. We can't always take the easy way out. We are all called to do different things, but we are ALL called to love one another and that's NOT what I saw in the Holy Land.

Towards the end of my trip, I was surrounded by conversations of what "going home" was going to be like. This. This was the hardest thing of all. That is when it hit me. The death of life as I had known it. Graduation. The loss of a job. The loss of an apartment. The loss of (what felt like) all of my friends. When I returned home, I'd be in a new city, in a new home and in a new school surrounded by new people.

If any of you know me, you'd know that I am not that keen on change. I struggled to get out of bed, to unpack and to start classes. I was pessimistic about my calling, about my location and worst about how I saw God working in my life because of the way that I was feeling. In my first post, I expressed how overwhelmed, excited, scared and nervous that I was to begin my first year of seminary. I even contemplated quitting school to au pair in a foreign country.

Well, I'm a month into school and I can officially say that I am glad that I didn't flee the county when things got hard! I am absolutely in love with seminary. And on top of that, I've learned that I am not alone in my feelings of doubt! In fact, I was told that if you DON'T struggle with your calling, there's DEFINITELY something wrong! All of the formative experiences that I've had leading up to this point, give me a unique perspective here. Although I know that we are all different ages, coming from different backgrounds and bringing different baggage with us, we are truly a body that is determined to make a difference. For me, that difference is beginning internally. I am taking my faith seriously. I am seeking out opportunities to grow as an individual and as a spiritual being.

It's amazing the way that God works. After carrying me through the tough times over the last year, he has delivered me to seminary, to a new job and to new friends. With His help, I am standing on my own two feet. While I can't say that I am not still in mourning the loss of my old life, I am definitely optimistic of what is yet to come.

So, 23, bring it. Bring everything you got, because I'm ready.

I'm Called to What?!

A first year seminarian's reflection of I Samuel 3:1-10 and how it relates to her call story. 

3 Now the boy Samuel was ministering to the Lord under Eli. The word of the Lord was rare in those days; visions were not widespread. 2 At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his room; 3 the lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the Lord called, “Samuel! Samuel!” and he said, “Here I am!” 5 and ran to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” So he went and lay down. 6 The Lord called again, “Samuel!” Samuel got up and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call, my son; lie down again.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord, and the word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him. 8 The Lord called Samuel again, a third time. And he got up and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” Then Eli perceived that the Lord was calling the boy. 9 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down; and if he calls you, you shall say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 Now the Lord came and stood there, calling as before, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

(I Samuel 3:1-10, NRSV)

Initially when choosing the call story that I most identified with for a VFCL assignment, I had a difficult time. After my first read through, I reached the end and had the sinking feeling that none of the stories matched mine. However, through the process of theological reflection, I find that I am uniquely connected to Samuel in a way that gives me shivers! Samuel, who is a young boy, never asked to be called by God. However, God clearly has different plans for him! I was once told that God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. If there is anything that I can say for certain, it is that Samuel's life and my life are living proof of this statement. There is no logical reason that someone from my background, experience or social situation should be able to say that they have earned the opportunity to reflect on this assignment, for this class, at this school. Let alone, be able to share it online with all of you. However, God clearly has different plans for me too! 

On my first read through of the scripture above, the obvious "what it's about" answer was the call and how to recognize God's voice in the midst of daily life. Just as Samuel did, we may not interpret this call correctly. It took Samuel more than three times to answer the Lord back and may have taken him longer if he had not been around Eli. It took an outsider, someone that Samuel knew, to identify the summons in order that Samuel would be receptive to the Divine revelation that is to follow. We can infer from scripture that Samuel received his first Divine revelation at a very young age. Just as Samuel was called at a young age, I believe that I too was called at a young age. Similarly, just as it took an outsider to help identify the call in Samuel’s life, it also took my faith community to encourage me to answer the call of God.  

 On my second read through, what stood out to me the most was Samuel's first reply. The first time that Samuel hears his name being called, he replies, "Here I am!" before running to Eli's side. I cannot speak for others, but I sure know that I had that experience! My local church helped me to discern God's calling, but what I've learned since is that once an individual realizes that they are being called, there is not a Spark note version or "Calling for Dummies" that we can study!

 Isaiah 43:1 tells us that God has called each and every one of us by name! Yet, sometimes when we hear our names being called… like Samuel, we run in the wrong direction! I cannot describe the amount of times that I thought I was being called to homeless ministry, children's ministry or teaching. I thought, "How in the world am I going to figure out what I am called to?! There are many different ways to plug into ministry and how do I know which one to choose?!" On top of the experiences I had in these different ministerial areas, it was overwhelming to think of all of the experiences I had yet to have.

I made it through my senior year of undergrad making excuses for why I should not enter into seminary this fall. These excuses, while well intended, were definitely road blocks in my journey. Similarly to Samuel, I struggled with the idea of being called and questioned the purpose of my call. And, if I am being honest, I still do! Sitting in one of my first classes, the realization that I was in seminary hit me and a feeling of both dread and relief washed over me. It was sickening, but exciting at the same time. Now that we are a month into classes, I can say that I have been affirmed in my time here. I have learned so much about myself, my call and my relationships with others! I am glad that, through all of our ups and downs the Lord continues to call us and waits patiently for a faithful response!

When I initially read this pericope, I could not help but focus on the obvious message. That is, God calls us and sometimes we misinterpret this calling. For me, I identify much more with Samuel of my reflection. It is obvious to Samuel that he is being called. However, he confuses the purpose behind his call and explores the calling using different avenues. This is where I struggle the most in my own life. It is obvious to me, and to those within my community, that I am being called. The question to what is something that I am still discerning! Referring back to Isaiah, he says, "Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" After a long (and continuing) discernment process, many tears and much more laughter, I am proud to say that I am dedicating my life over to the service of the Lord through ordained ministry. Just as Samuel, Isaiah, Moses and many others before me, I am saying, "Here I am. Send me" (Isaiah 6:8).

          Faith and Peace,
                    Anitta M