What words come to mind when you think about shame?
Fear? Anger? Disappointment? Disgust? Secret?
These are the words that come to mind when I think about shame. Shame, as I have understood it, is different from guilt. I would define guilt as feelings of remorse as the result of an action. Shame reaches beyond the action. It is more than the feelings of doing something wrong -- it's the bold, hushed, loud and soft voices inside of us that tell us that WE are wrong. Shame tells us that there is something deep within us that makes us inherently wrong as humans. Brené Brown defines shame as the "intensely painful feeling that we are not worthy of love or belonging." In her TED Talk on Shame, Brené Brown identifies the ingredients for shame as secrecy, silence and judgment. These three ingredients breed an environment in which shame thrives and becomes lethal. Brené offers a solution to dissolving shame. She states that empathy creates an environment that is hostile to shame. Empathy, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is being able to take on another persons perspective and emotions as if they are your own -- remembering the as if part.
This is relevant to both my ministry, and me personally. At the bedside, I hear stories of past experiences from 15, 20, 30 years ago which still causes pain for my parishioner. These stories of lost loves, offenses, wrongdoings and deaths remain hidden from most people in their lives. They feel as if no one wants to talk about these encounters, that they are all alone in their feelings and longings to return to a time before the events. As a chaplain, I am privileged into these sacred spaces -- acknowledging old wounds as I care for the current ones. Many times, the greatest gift that I provide to my parishioner's is an open ear, non-anxious presence and space in which their stories can be told.
As a person in ministry, I am often told that part of my own self-care is having somewhere to put these secrets. Furthermore, self-care also calls me to do something with my own secrets. Theologically, I connect with Nouwen's image of the Wounded Healer. The Wounded Healer is someone that simultaneously attends to their own wounds, while attending to the wounds of others. In the parable that Nouwen shares, he speaks to healing as being a process - one in which the healer unbinds and binds each individual wound on their body, instead of unbinding them all at once. By unbinding each individual wound, attending to it, and rebinding, the healer remains in position to be an aid to those around them.
So... what? What am I trying to say? I suppose this is the part of the story where I tell you how each of these pieces connect - the shame, the self-care, the theology. To be honest, I'm figuring this out as I write, so.. bare with me. It's no secret to most people who are reading this that this last year has been -- hard, to say the least. I have done a lot, been through a lot and somehow I still wake up every morning. To be honest, I'm not sure how sometimes.
In CPE, we talk about shame, about that feeling of not being worthy of love or belonging. I believe that it's easy for us to think no - that's not me, I know that I am worthy of both of those things! But, if this is a space in which I am looking to seek empathy from ya'll, I have to be honest with you. When I look at where my life is, I have doubts about both of those things -- being worthy of love and belonging. I hold an internal expectation about what my life SHOULD look like. Should, of course, is a shaming word. It is a word that implies that I am somehow less than this image of myself that I want to present to the world. Frankly, I'm tired of shaming myself for where I am, what I've been through and I'm ready to face it all - with you - trying to believe each of you love me with a love fierce enough to accept me just as I am. So, here is a list of 5 things that I shame myself about and how the shame impacts me:
1. Body. I am a fat bodied person. Surprise! I know, you're all shocked. I can't quite describe my shame around my body. It's like, walking around in the most beautiful thing you own, and everyone else thinks you look like a clown. I love my body, I do. But, it's fat... which in turn, means I am fat. If you want to know what it's like to live in my shoes imagine questioning whether you can buckle a roller coaster seatbelt, sit comfortably on a plane or being stuck in a crowd of people because there is no way you're going to be able to 'squeeze' between people. Oh, also, being fat means that I automatically get to wear clothes that look like they were cut out of those rainbow tarps that we all use to run under as children. So, cool.
2. Gender. I don't fit other people's expectations about what it means to be female. Those who know me best, know that I don't fully identify as female. I don't identify as male either. Honestly, this is probably related to my body issues above and my sexuality. As a fat bodied, queer identified person - I walk a balancing act between being over-sexualized and under-sexualized at every corner. I don't fit other peoples expectations about what it means to be human and that terrifies and excites me.
3. Money. Because money. I have a difficult time paying the important bills, which means things like my credit card... don't get paid. As a result, I feel as if I am single handedly crashing my own credit into the ground. Also, I entered repayment for my student loans in November and have been too poor to pay them. So, awesome. And, I think my car is tied in here too because I've been talking about getting a new one for YEARS, but I can't afford it.
4. Life. Because things haven't quite turned out like my peers. I didn't graduate from seminary last year. I probably won't graduate from seminary this year. I was homeless. For the last three months, I have had to rely on the generosity of strangers for a place to lay my head, for meals and for emotional support. My brain tricks me into thinking I should be just as good, in the same place as, or even better than my peers and colleagues. And, when I'm not, I experience shame.
5. Faith. In the midst of all of this, my faith has been shaken - despite working so hard to be a spiritual rock for those around me. Right now, my experience of the Divine, is limited. I believe part of that limited experience comes from feeling unstable and unsettled. What does it mean for me, if the times when I feel closest to the Divine, is the times when I feel most in control? How do I let go of that and live comfortably in the midst of where I am? Beats me - I don't quite have my M.Div. yet. (haha).
Sorry for the book. I hope you still love me.
Pastor Anitta +♡
