God Loves the Gays

Some of you may be wondering what I've been up to in my life of ministry, outside of the hospital. Well, I'm finally ready to tell you. When I moved to Des Moines a year ago, I had a packed car, $30 in my pocket and a whole lot of pain. I found myself seeking home, community, friendship, and affirmation. I tried to find these things in some of the local churches; however, I had become unable to make meaning in a space that used to feel so familiar. I could go on for pages about my struggle with God, faith and the Church over the last year; however, there's a time and place for everything and this is neither!

In the midst of my seeking, part of what I realized was that I needed to be connected to another part of my identity, so... I searched. I searched for a connection to the queer community through pride centers, gay bars and strangers. When my searching turned up fruitless, I created.

With the help of a friend, I created a Facebook group to help queer women, womyn, non-binary and trans folks across Iowa to connect, celebrate and understand one another. Over the last 9 months, this group has grown to 836 members, with more being added everyday. In an average month, we interact over 20k times through posts, comments and reactions.

As a group, we host monthly in-person meetups, an online book club, and other social events to get together and get talking. In the upcoming year, we're launching a coffee/social justice forum in three cities that will meet once a month, a queer prom and so much more. I couldn't do this or keep it going without an amazing leadership team of people who volunteer their time and energy. These are truly the patron saints of the queer community here in Iowa!

Some people may disagree that this is ministry because we don't talk about God everyday. However, the God that I believe in is unequivocally for me and the community that I represent. God shows up in community, in relationship and in the radical hospitality of strangers. God is for the creation of spaces in which the oppressed can be their true selves, share their pain and celebrate their joy.

This is my ministry, and I am so freaking proud of it. ♡

Pastor Anitta +♡

Chaplains Grieve Too

Let me tell you a story about healthcare, because apparently I have a lot to process tonight.

When our patients die, we grieve. Sometimes, we hold ourselves together just long enough to bid farewell to families. Other times, we don't. We crumble, getting caught in our feelings about this loss. And then, we dust off our knees, compose ourselves and walk into the next room. We introduce ourselves to the next person, before we've completely recovered from the images of mangled bodies, tears and grieving loved ones. We do our best to empty ourselves in order to make room for the person in front of us. Yet, we still hold on to the memories of those that we couldn't save... and the rest of the show goes on around us. 

There’s times when we run, and rush, and hurry, and skip eating, and go 12 hours without urinating, and we'd give our firstborn for a cup of water. We get covered in phlegm, urine, feces, blood, infectious drainage, sweat, and tears. 

Health care is a life of fighting, defending yourself, sacrificing yourself, working weekends, missing holidays, and sometimes things like losing a patient makes you want to throw up your hands and say, “Fuck it, I’m out.”

But, you can’t. You do it because you love it. 

Pastor Anitta +♡

Let's Talk About Shame, Baby

What words come to mind when you think about shame?

Fear? Anger? Disappointment? Disgust? Secret?

These are the words that come to mind when I think about shame. Shame, as I have understood it, is different from guilt. I would define guilt as feelings of remorse as the result of an action. Shame reaches beyond the action. It is more than the feelings of doing something wrong -- it's the bold, hushed, loud and soft voices inside of us that tell us that WE are wrong. Shame tells us that there is something deep within us that makes us inherently wrong as humans. Brené Brown defines shame as the "intensely painful feeling that we are not worthy of love or belonging." In her TED Talk on Shame, Brené Brown identifies the ingredients for shame as secrecy, silence and judgment. These three ingredients breed an environment in which shame thrives and becomes lethal. Brené offers a solution to dissolving shame. She states that empathy creates an environment that is hostile to shame. Empathy, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is being able to take on another persons perspective and emotions as if they are your own -- remembering the as if part.

This is relevant to both my ministry, and me personally. At the bedside, I hear stories of past experiences from 15, 20, 30 years ago which still causes pain for my parishioner. These stories of lost loves, offenses, wrongdoings and deaths remain hidden from most people in their lives. They feel as if no one wants to talk about these encounters, that they are all alone in their feelings and longings to return to a time before the events. As a chaplain, I am privileged into these sacred spaces -- acknowledging old wounds as I care for the current ones. Many times, the greatest gift that I provide to my parishioner's is an open ear, non-anxious presence and space in which their stories can be told.

As a person in ministry, I am often told that part of my own self-care is having somewhere to put these secrets. Furthermore, self-care also calls me to do something with my own secrets. Theologically, I connect with Nouwen's image of the Wounded Healer. The Wounded Healer is someone that simultaneously attends to their own wounds, while attending to the wounds of others. In the parable that Nouwen shares, he speaks to healing as being a process - one in which the healer unbinds and binds each individual wound on their body, instead of unbinding them all at once. By unbinding each individual wound, attending to it, and rebinding, the healer remains in position to be an aid to those around them.

So... what? What am I trying to say? I suppose this is the part of the story where I tell you how each of these pieces connect - the shame, the self-care, the theology. To be honest, I'm figuring this out as I write, so.. bare with me. It's no secret to most people who are reading this that this last year has been -- hard, to say the least. I have done a lot, been through a lot and somehow I still wake up every morning. To be honest, I'm not sure how sometimes.

In CPE, we talk about shame, about that feeling of not being worthy of love or belonging. I believe that it's easy for us to think no - that's not me, I know that I am worthy of both of those things! But, if this is a space in which I am looking to seek empathy from ya'll, I have to be honest with you. When I look at where my life is, I have doubts about both of those things -- being worthy of love and belonging. I hold an internal expectation about what my life SHOULD look like. Should, of course, is a shaming word. It is a word that implies that I am somehow less than this image of myself that I want to present to the world. Frankly, I'm tired of shaming myself for where I am, what I've been through and I'm ready to face it all - with you - trying to believe each of you love me with a love fierce enough to accept me just as I am. So, here is a list of 5 things that I shame myself about and how the shame impacts me:

1. Body. I am a fat bodied person. Surprise! I know, you're all shocked. I can't quite describe my shame around my body. It's like, walking around in the most beautiful thing you own, and everyone else thinks you look like a clown. I love my body, I do. But, it's fat... which in turn, means I am fat. If you want to know what it's like to live in my shoes imagine questioning whether you can buckle a roller coaster seatbelt, sit comfortably on a plane or being stuck in a crowd of people because there is no way you're going to be able to 'squeeze' between people. Oh, also, being fat means that I automatically get to wear clothes that look like they were cut out of those rainbow tarps that we all use to run under as children. So, cool.

2. Gender. I don't fit other people's expectations about what it means to be female. Those who know me best, know that I don't fully identify as female. I don't identify as male either. Honestly, this is probably related to my body issues above and my sexuality. As a fat bodied, queer identified person - I walk a balancing act between being over-sexualized and under-sexualized at every corner. I don't fit other peoples expectations about what it means to be human and that terrifies and excites me.

3. Money. Because money. I have a difficult time paying the important bills, which means things like my credit card... don't get paid. As a result, I feel as if I am single handedly crashing my own credit into the ground. Also, I entered repayment for my student loans in November and have been too poor to pay them. So, awesome. And, I think my car is tied in here too because I've been talking about getting a new one for YEARS, but I can't afford it.

4. Life. Because things haven't quite turned out like my peers. I didn't graduate from seminary last year. I probably won't graduate from seminary this year. I was homeless. For the last three months, I have had to rely on the generosity of strangers for a place to lay my head, for meals and for emotional support. My brain tricks me into thinking I should be just as good, in the same place as, or even better than my peers and colleagues. And, when I'm not, I experience shame.

5. Faith. In the midst of all of this, my faith has been shaken - despite working so hard to be a spiritual rock for those around me. Right now, my experience of the Divine, is limited. I believe part of that limited experience comes from feeling unstable and unsettled. What does it mean for me, if the times when I feel closest to the Divine, is the times when I feel most in control? How do I let go of that and live comfortably in the midst of where I am? Beats me - I don't quite have my M.Div. yet. (haha).

Sorry for the book. I hope you still love me.

Pastor Anitta +♡





Life, Actually.

I am completely dumbfounded by the way life happens. I get lost trying to follow the chain of events that allow for seemingly heathy people to have normal mornings and evening deaths. In my own life, I can't describe how one minute I can feel sane and secure, and the next unbalanced and bat shit crazy. Regardless of the blocks  and boundaries we put up to help us maintain an illusion of 'perfection', all it takes is one phone call... one text message... one sideways glance to change the minute, day or life that we have planned. 

(I'm about to get real here, so please stop reading if you don't want your image of who I am ruined.)

I believe that life actually happens in between our plans. Take me for instance: I planned on graduating with my Master of Divinity in 2016. I planned on being commissioned, beginning a residency, moving to a new state, meeting new communities. I planned, so well, so that I could have security and stability for myself. And then, it all fell apart.

My mental health prevented me from graduating, it interfered with my preparation for District Committee, one of my brothers died, one of my mothers died, I lost my job, I moved to a new state, I became homeless and I fell in love and had my heart broken twice within a three week period.

This last year has had so many ups and downs, twists and turns, sweet and sours.. that I can hardly list them all. I can't list how many times someone looked at me lovingly, held my hand, sent me "I love you" messages at the right moment, bought me ice cream, laid on the grass admiring the sun and then the moon with me. I can't count the puppy kisses, the long walks, the grains of sand that I've shaken from pairs of shoes.

The difference between what I can list, and what I can't... is curious to me. All of those ups, the I love you's, the kisses, the long walks... those are what life actually looks like for me. Those weren't planned, couldn't be planned. Frankly, when I look at these two lists.. the planned and the planned nots, there's only one that I'd want to experience over again.

So, here's to a year of life actually. Here's to a year of being present with myself, with those around me and those within my community. Here's to throwing specific plans out the window, meeting under the sky somewhere and being alive with one another.

Pastor Anitta +♡