I am completely dumbfounded by the way life happens. I get lost trying to follow the chain of events that allow for seemingly heathy people to have normal mornings and evening deaths. In my own life, I can't describe how one minute I can feel sane and secure, and the next unbalanced and bat shit crazy. Regardless of the blocks and boundaries we put up to help us maintain an illusion of 'perfection', all it takes is one phone call... one text message... one sideways glance to change the minute, day or life that we have planned.
(I'm about to get real here, so please stop reading if you don't want your image of who I am ruined.)
I believe that life actually happens in between our plans. Take me for instance: I planned on graduating with my Master of Divinity in 2016. I planned on being commissioned, beginning a residency, moving to a new state, meeting new communities. I planned, so well, so that I could have security and stability for myself. And then, it all fell apart.
My mental health prevented me from graduating, it interfered with my preparation for District Committee, one of my brothers died, one of my mothers died, I lost my job, I moved to a new state, I became homeless and I fell in love and had my heart broken twice within a three week period.
This last year has had so many ups and downs, twists and turns, sweet and sours.. that I can hardly list them all. I can't list how many times someone looked at me lovingly, held my hand, sent me "I love you" messages at the right moment, bought me ice cream, laid on the grass admiring the sun and then the moon with me. I can't count the puppy kisses, the long walks, the grains of sand that I've shaken from pairs of shoes.
The difference between what I can list, and what I can't... is curious to me. All of those ups, the I love you's, the kisses, the long walks... those are what life actually looks like for me. Those weren't planned, couldn't be planned. Frankly, when I look at these two lists.. the planned and the planned nots, there's only one that I'd want to experience over again.
So, here's to a year of life actually. Here's to a year of being present with myself, with those around me and those within my community. Here's to throwing specific plans out the window, meeting under the sky somewhere and being alive with one another.
My mental health prevented me from graduating, it interfered with my preparation for District Committee, one of my brothers died, one of my mothers died, I lost my job, I moved to a new state, I became homeless and I fell in love and had my heart broken twice within a three week period.
This last year has had so many ups and downs, twists and turns, sweet and sours.. that I can hardly list them all. I can't list how many times someone looked at me lovingly, held my hand, sent me "I love you" messages at the right moment, bought me ice cream, laid on the grass admiring the sun and then the moon with me. I can't count the puppy kisses, the long walks, the grains of sand that I've shaken from pairs of shoes.
The difference between what I can list, and what I can't... is curious to me. All of those ups, the I love you's, the kisses, the long walks... those are what life actually looks like for me. Those weren't planned, couldn't be planned. Frankly, when I look at these two lists.. the planned and the planned nots, there's only one that I'd want to experience over again.
So, here's to a year of life actually. Here's to a year of being present with myself, with those around me and those within my community. Here's to throwing specific plans out the window, meeting under the sky somewhere and being alive with one another.
Pastor Anitta +♡
