In case you haven't read elsewhere, I have officially
accepted a resident chaplaincy position for the 2016-17 year. I
have also been reaffirmed and recommended for Local Pastor Licensure and placed
in the appointment pool of the United Methodist Church. I am seeking
appointment, as a local pastor, to my residency position. What this would mean
for me is that, while in this place, I will be granted all of the authority
necessary to perform all of the duties of Pastor within the hospital community.
For those of you who are unaware, this means that I will have the authority to
lead worship, preach, teach, bless communion, perform weddings as well as
funerals. BUT, before I get there, I still need to finish out the next few
weeks of school and work.
After a long and eventful on-call shift, I woke up and
composed the following list. I am sure that I could come up with many more, but
for now... my emotional, sleep deprived, exhausted brain could only come up
with these 10 things that I wish you all knew. Without further ado, I present:
10 Things I Wish You Knew About Being A Chaplain
1.
I cry. Since becoming a chaplain, I have
become incredibly more in touch with my own feelings. When I see someone
suffering, I cannot help but cry right alongside of them.
2.
It's hard. You don't have to ask me if
it's hard. It is. In no other sphere are you welcomed into someone else's deep
pits of shame, sadness, fear, anxiety and depression. This pit is full of
secrets that people have never shared with children, spouses or other
family members. And, somehow, they trust me with all of them.
3.
I am available. My college Stanley
Hauerwas has accused contemporary pastors of being little more than a
"quivering mass of availability". While, I do think healthy
boundaries in a pastoral relationship are necessary. I am lucky enough to work
for a Health System that believes spiritual support, especially at times of
crisis, is important and goes out of their way to call chaplains in at 2am.
However, when I've dragged by butt out of bed at 2am, I should NEVER hear your
parishioner's say that they don't want to call you because they believe you
"won't come anyway".
4.
I sleep a lot. In a typical 8-4 job, you
have a predictable schedule. I, on the other hand, must ritualize my on-call
shifts. I'm sorry that I can't get lunch with you. Instead, I'm taking a nap to
prepare myself for the possibility of needing to be awake from 5pm - 830am. In
my experience, the shifts I start tired are the ones where I truly am awake all
night.
5.
I'm exhausted. Perhaps this is related to
the last point. Although I am on-call from home, what little rest that I can
get, is not optimal. Try sleeping deep enough that you get rest and light
enough to be woken up by a screaming pager in the middle of the night. And, if
I get more than two calls a night -- forget sleep altogether! My Friday shift
bleeds over into my Saturday morning and then devours my entire Saturday day as
I stumble between fits of sleep and wandering aimlessly around my house because
I know if I sleep all day, I will be awake all night. But, I'm exhausted.
6.
I get frustrated. I get frustrated when
families don't act the way that 'I want them to act'. I get frustrated when
patient's only see hopelessness. I get frustrated with God. I get frustrated
with other hospital disciplines for walking in and out of the room when I am
trying to have an encounter with a patient or their family. I know that all of
this is more about me, then them. I am working on this.
7.
I consider everything I do a sacrament.
Wesley talks about sacrament as being the outward sign of an inward grace. If I
didn't truly believe that God has gifted all people with grace and was working
within them at all times, I could not be a chaplain. In some ways, the
chaplain’s presence in the world is an outward sign of the grace that is
bestowed upon all of creation.
8.
I value my relationships more. It feels
like every time that I am on-call, I come face to face with death, with
strained relationships and with fear of last words, last impressions and last
'I love you's'. Because of my experience as a chaplain, I have learned that the
relationships that I maintain are delicate and they deserve my attention. I
don't want anyone ever to feel unloved or unwanted. And, when they do, I feel
the heartbreak of losing friendships significantly deeper than I use to.
9.
I have learned how to have 'hard'
conversations. Again, related to the last point, it is never easy to talk
to your loved ones about the true desires that you have for yourself, let alone
broach the subject of health care power of attorney, 'what if' scenarios and
conversations around advanced directives. Chaplaincy has shown me what happens
when these conversations fail to happen. At 25, I have a healthcare power of
attorney, I have decided to be DNR in certain circumstances and I know, for the
most part, what those closest to me want for themselves. These conversations
are difficult, but they are necessary.
10. Death
is a beautiful mystery. I am always amazed at the different responses to
how people handle death. Sometimes, I cry alongside of families. Sometimes, I
stay in my head because the family can't quite move to the emotional space of
the loss. And, sometimes, I go back after the family has left, to pray
privately with a patient's body. Not because the prayer I offered in front of
the family wasn't genuine, but because the prayer that I offer in private helps
me ritualize my own experience.
In the Grip of God’s
Grace,
Pastor Anitta +♡
