Mourn with those Who Mourn: Romans 12:15

When I arrived at the room, I found a weeping child, and a shocked sister. I found a man barely in his 40s, struggling to take his last deep breaths. At the direction of the patient's Health Care Power Of Attorney, all medical interventions were stopped and comfort measures were began. One by one, the medical team exited the room leaving me with sisters, a brother-in-law and a son. The five of us gathered around the patient. We cried, held one another and sang. We prayed and shared stories. The patient died shortly after.

As I stood there, I could not help but relate my own experiences. I don't really know how to acknowledge this publicly, but over the last two months, I had a sibling and a step-parent complete suicide. Although, I did not name my experiences with this family, I was able to use my experiences to inform my practice. I spoke out of the deep pit of discomfort and grief. I lamented alongside of them, reflecting on my own pain and suffering. I am sure that these experiences will continue to impact my chaplaincy care, pastoral care and spiritual care. As they do, I look forward to having this space to be open and vulnerable about the encounters.

After spending most of my early morning with this family and being brought back to my own place of grief and mourning, I was responsible for offering both our staff devotion as well as leading a staff prayer service this morning. Here are the words that I shared:

Devotion: Mourn with Those Who Mourn

Rejoice with those who rejoice;

mourn with those who mourn. 

Romans 12:15 NIV

When I was growing up, my family had a border collie who was very aware of and sensitive to human emotions. Whenever something was upsetting me and I'd sneak away too my room for a good cry, he was usually the first one on the scene to check in on me. He'd walk in quietly, lay his head on my lap, and look up at me with his big brown eyes. He would stay there, sitting quietly next to me, until I felt better. His simple presence was overwhelmingly comforting.

Instead of running away from a potentially awkward situation, embrace the opportunity to be a comfort and support to someone who is hurting. Look out for those who might need and extra hug, smile, or encouraging word. Even if you don't know what to say, just being an empathetic and supporting presence is all that's necessary.

Physical and emotional pain tend to make us feel very alone, so the simple act of noticing that someone is hurting, being there for them, mourning with them, and standing by until they feel betters remarkable power to heal wounds and banish loneliness.

-- 3-minute Devotions for a God Lover's Heart: 180 Paws-itively Perfect Readings 

May the Spirit bless you with discomfort

at easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships
so that you will live deep in your heart. 

May the Spirit bless you with anger
at injustice and oppression, the exploitation of people and earth
so that you will work for justice, equity and peace. 

May the Spirit bless you with tears
to shed for those who suffer
so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them. 

May the Spirit bless you with foolishness
to think that you can make a difference in the world
so that you will do the things which others say cannot be done.

Prayer Service

Centering
As we begin our time together, I invite you to meditate with a two way breath. As you breathe in, you may choose to focus on the item you named. As you breathe out, you may choose to focus on something that you’d like to let go. For example: I may breathe in “peace” and exhale “fear”.

Reading
“Like a wild animal, the soul is tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, and self-sufficient: it knows how to survive in hard places. I learned about these qualities during my bouts with depression. In that deadly darkness, the faculties I had always depended on collapsed. My intellect was useless; my emotions were dead; my will was impotent; my ego was shattered. But from time to time, deep in the thickets of my inner wilderness, I could sense the presence of something that knew how to stay alive even when the rest of me wanted to die. That something was my tough and tenacious soul.”

-- Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life

Reflection
What of Parker Palmer’s words caused the strongest feelings in you? Why?
While you were reading, describe what you pictured in your mind.
Are there connections between Parker Palmer’s words and your life? If so, how?
What do you wonder about this reading?

Prayer

Beautiful Mystery,

Where hearts are fearful and constricted,

grant courage and hope.

Where anxiety is infectious and widening,

grant peace and reassurance.

Where impossibilities close every door and window,

grant imagination and resistance.

Where distrust twists our thinking,

grant healing and illumination.

Where spirits are daunted and weakened,

grant soaring wings and strengthened dreams.

Blessing
The love of the faithful Creator
The peace of the wounded Healer
The joy of the challenging Spirit
The hope of the Three in One
Surround and encourage you
Today, tonight and forever.

-- Kathy Galloway, The Pattern of Our Days

In the Grip of God's Grace, 

Pastor Anitta +♡

Standing at the Bedside

A few nights ago, I was paged to the hospital as a 'support person' for a particularly difficult case. The nurse told me that the patient had hung himself in the garage the morning before and had just been pronounced brain dead. She also told me that the mother was on her way to the hospital with their 10 year old daughter.

I got dressed, got in my car and Googled the whole way there... I Googled: what to tell a child about their dead parent, what to tell the surviving parent about child grief, how to make sense of suicide, what do pastors think about suicide, how to be present for suicide survivors, the list went on and on...

In many ways, I felt entirely underprepared to be entering into the room with the patient and his loved ones. This is not my first experience of suicide, it's not my first experience when a young child has been involved and its not my first case of parent suicide either. Yet, no matter how many of these cases happen... I'm put back in that place of being a novice in this field.

Standing at the bedside, I witnessed a grieving wife, mother, daughter, and parents. I heard stories about a beloved man, a gardener, Dr. Pepper lover, secret keeper, hide and go seek player and all around great dad. I heard a mother be completely honest with her 10 year old daughter about depression, about suicide and about how they were going to wake up tomorrow without this man because of it. They planned to spend all day writing letters to him, crying, watching movies and planting all of the new plants that dad had purchased. At one point, I too felt warm tears streaming down my face.

After the family left, the patient was taken off of life support and he died moments later. Shortly after, the nurse handed me what appeared to be a large, fancy watch. I inquired about the watch and was informed that it was an ankle bracelet. I found out that the patient had been on house arrest for child pornography charges. I was shocked. And then, I was relieved that I did not have that information prior to being present with the family in the midst of their grief. It brought up a lot of questions for me, questions that I'm embarrassed to share.

When I first began working in this ministry, I was amazed by the fact that most patients could care less about who I am,  my background or what my qualifications are. The only qualification that I need is to bear the title of Chaplain, to be kind, compassionate, empathetic and willing to listen. In many ways, I think this is true of the patient as well. I once had a professor of Pastoral Care inform me that as a Parish minister, it would be part of my responsibility to a congregation to 'invite people to leave the church'. I was horrified. While I understand the need, I cannot imagine being able to ask someone to leave the church.

As a hospital chaplain, I will never be asked to turn my back on someone. I have the privilege of interacting with those who have left the church for a million and one reasons. At the end of the day, my patient's story is no more important than my own. While I am often invited into the deep, dark, secretive places... I never carry that expectation. The only thing that matters is this chance conversations, in which God does what She does best.

So, yes. I am a pastor for pedophiles, murderers, convicts, felons, aunts, uncles, children, moms, dads, doctors, nurses, the wealthy and the poor. I am a pastor for the people.

In the Grip of God's Grace,

Pastor Anitta +♡

Orison Over Omelets

This morning, as Tony was making my omelet, he said to me, "No one wants to be working on a Sunday. If I wasn't here, I'd probably be in church." I replied, "Yea, me too." He looked a bit shocked. I went on to explain to him that I am one of the chaplains in the hospital and that I spend my days wandering the halls of the hospital worshipping, praying and visiting with patients. Tony asked me to offer a prayer for him. In front of the line of patrons, I reached over the sneeze guard to take Tony's hands and offered prayer for him. He thanked me, boxed my food and I went on my way.

I am often surprised by these chance conversations and don't think I would/could want to do anything else with my life.

In the grip of God's Grace,
Pastor Anitta +♡

Amusing Musing

Thoughts of a Chaplain: I hate to say it this way, but I'm a bit of a grief junkie. There is nothing more special than being right up close with strangers when they are at the crux of life shattering experiences. It is beautiful and awful and Sacred and terrible and Divine all at once.




I'm beyond privileged to be present. ♡

In the Grips of God's Grace,
Pastor Anitta +♡

Blackberry Winter: Chaplaincy and Dementia

This week for my Psychopathology course, we were required to read the play Blackberry Winter. I felt as if it was well constructed and gave me an interesting insight into the inside life of what happens to the family system when the aging parent reverts to a form of infancy – as it was stated in the play. Throughout the play, I continued to wonder, “How would I pastor Vivienne and would it be different than how I would be a chaplain for her?” My gut instinct tells me that they would be pretty similar. In the clinical setting, more often than not, people are verbalizing a desire to know the “why” to explain what they are going through. However, I find that something within my presence at the bedside allows them to move into another space. It becomes less about the “why” and more about the sharing of stories. With a disorder like dementia, I find that there is less of a ‘why’ attitude and more of a task orientation. I believe that the character in Blackberry Winter embodied this disposition, as well. In some ways, it seems to be easier – safer, maybe? – to stay within the logic of what needs to happen. This strikes me as interesting, given the disorder in and of itself is illogical. I’m also hyper-aware of the term used in Ministry with Persons with Mental Illness and Their Families to describe someone in Vivienne’s position – the ‘sandwich generation’. These are the folks who are simultaneously caring for the aging parent and the coming to age child. As pastor/chaplain, I’m wondering how to be fully present with Vivienne? How do I remain fully present with someone who doesn’t seem to be able to be fully present with themselves?

Secondly, how does one be pastor to the declining parent in this scenario? In Ministry with Persons, dementia is referred to as a “disease of old age”. As this is increasingly true, what is the pastoral response to bring with these folks? In my experience of being present with patient’s experiencing these symptoms, I find that I often question what makes my visit different than any other visit within the hospital and/or a social visit. I’m reflecting here on the time that I spent in a nursing home with my parent (who was an employee). I would regularly visit several ladies who told me the same stories, thought I was a grandchild or could recall just enough to remember that I was a stranger they enjoyed meeting. In both Ministry with Persons and Blackberry Winter, I am struck by the concept of complementary therapies. What is the current model for how we care for these patients? Does it vary across facility? Are there best practices? As someone who does not imagine being in a diagnostic setting – what is my role as pastor? As advocate? Is there a way to ritualize this type of decline in a worship setting?

That’s all I have for now.

In the Grip of God's Grace, 

Pastor Anitta +