Mourn with those Who Mourn: Romans 12:15

When I arrived at the room, I found a weeping child, and a shocked sister. I found a man barely in his 40s, struggling to take his last deep breaths. At the direction of the patient's Health Care Power Of Attorney, all medical interventions were stopped and comfort measures were began. One by one, the medical team exited the room leaving me with sisters, a brother-in-law and a son. The five of us gathered around the patient. We cried, held one another and sang. We prayed and shared stories. The patient died shortly after.

As I stood there, I could not help but relate my own experiences. I don't really know how to acknowledge this publicly, but over the last two months, I had a sibling and a step-parent complete suicide. Although, I did not name my experiences with this family, I was able to use my experiences to inform my practice. I spoke out of the deep pit of discomfort and grief. I lamented alongside of them, reflecting on my own pain and suffering. I am sure that these experiences will continue to impact my chaplaincy care, pastoral care and spiritual care. As they do, I look forward to having this space to be open and vulnerable about the encounters.

After spending most of my early morning with this family and being brought back to my own place of grief and mourning, I was responsible for offering both our staff devotion as well as leading a staff prayer service this morning. Here are the words that I shared:

Devotion: Mourn with Those Who Mourn

Rejoice with those who rejoice;

mourn with those who mourn. 

Romans 12:15 NIV

When I was growing up, my family had a border collie who was very aware of and sensitive to human emotions. Whenever something was upsetting me and I'd sneak away too my room for a good cry, he was usually the first one on the scene to check in on me. He'd walk in quietly, lay his head on my lap, and look up at me with his big brown eyes. He would stay there, sitting quietly next to me, until I felt better. His simple presence was overwhelmingly comforting.

Instead of running away from a potentially awkward situation, embrace the opportunity to be a comfort and support to someone who is hurting. Look out for those who might need and extra hug, smile, or encouraging word. Even if you don't know what to say, just being an empathetic and supporting presence is all that's necessary.

Physical and emotional pain tend to make us feel very alone, so the simple act of noticing that someone is hurting, being there for them, mourning with them, and standing by until they feel betters remarkable power to heal wounds and banish loneliness.

-- 3-minute Devotions for a God Lover's Heart: 180 Paws-itively Perfect Readings 

May the Spirit bless you with discomfort

at easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships
so that you will live deep in your heart. 

May the Spirit bless you with anger
at injustice and oppression, the exploitation of people and earth
so that you will work for justice, equity and peace. 

May the Spirit bless you with tears
to shed for those who suffer
so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them. 

May the Spirit bless you with foolishness
to think that you can make a difference in the world
so that you will do the things which others say cannot be done.

Prayer Service

Centering
As we begin our time together, I invite you to meditate with a two way breath. As you breathe in, you may choose to focus on the item you named. As you breathe out, you may choose to focus on something that you’d like to let go. For example: I may breathe in “peace” and exhale “fear”.

Reading
“Like a wild animal, the soul is tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, and self-sufficient: it knows how to survive in hard places. I learned about these qualities during my bouts with depression. In that deadly darkness, the faculties I had always depended on collapsed. My intellect was useless; my emotions were dead; my will was impotent; my ego was shattered. But from time to time, deep in the thickets of my inner wilderness, I could sense the presence of something that knew how to stay alive even when the rest of me wanted to die. That something was my tough and tenacious soul.”

-- Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life

Reflection
What of Parker Palmer’s words caused the strongest feelings in you? Why?
While you were reading, describe what you pictured in your mind.
Are there connections between Parker Palmer’s words and your life? If so, how?
What do you wonder about this reading?

Prayer

Beautiful Mystery,

Where hearts are fearful and constricted,

grant courage and hope.

Where anxiety is infectious and widening,

grant peace and reassurance.

Where impossibilities close every door and window,

grant imagination and resistance.

Where distrust twists our thinking,

grant healing and illumination.

Where spirits are daunted and weakened,

grant soaring wings and strengthened dreams.

Blessing
The love of the faithful Creator
The peace of the wounded Healer
The joy of the challenging Spirit
The hope of the Three in One
Surround and encourage you
Today, tonight and forever.

-- Kathy Galloway, The Pattern of Our Days

In the Grip of God's Grace, 

Pastor Anitta +♡

Standing at the Bedside

A few nights ago, I was paged to the hospital as a 'support person' for a particularly difficult case. The nurse told me that the patient had hung himself in the garage the morning before and had just been pronounced brain dead. She also told me that the mother was on her way to the hospital with their 10 year old daughter.

I got dressed, got in my car and Googled the whole way there... I Googled: what to tell a child about their dead parent, what to tell the surviving parent about child grief, how to make sense of suicide, what do pastors think about suicide, how to be present for suicide survivors, the list went on and on...

In many ways, I felt entirely underprepared to be entering into the room with the patient and his loved ones. This is not my first experience of suicide, it's not my first experience when a young child has been involved and its not my first case of parent suicide either. Yet, no matter how many of these cases happen... I'm put back in that place of being a novice in this field.

Standing at the bedside, I witnessed a grieving wife, mother, daughter, and parents. I heard stories about a beloved man, a gardener, Dr. Pepper lover, secret keeper, hide and go seek player and all around great dad. I heard a mother be completely honest with her 10 year old daughter about depression, about suicide and about how they were going to wake up tomorrow without this man because of it. They planned to spend all day writing letters to him, crying, watching movies and planting all of the new plants that dad had purchased. At one point, I too felt warm tears streaming down my face.

After the family left, the patient was taken off of life support and he died moments later. Shortly after, the nurse handed me what appeared to be a large, fancy watch. I inquired about the watch and was informed that it was an ankle bracelet. I found out that the patient had been on house arrest for child pornography charges. I was shocked. And then, I was relieved that I did not have that information prior to being present with the family in the midst of their grief. It brought up a lot of questions for me, questions that I'm embarrassed to share.

When I first began working in this ministry, I was amazed by the fact that most patients could care less about who I am,  my background or what my qualifications are. The only qualification that I need is to bear the title of Chaplain, to be kind, compassionate, empathetic and willing to listen. In many ways, I think this is true of the patient as well. I once had a professor of Pastoral Care inform me that as a Parish minister, it would be part of my responsibility to a congregation to 'invite people to leave the church'. I was horrified. While I understand the need, I cannot imagine being able to ask someone to leave the church.

As a hospital chaplain, I will never be asked to turn my back on someone. I have the privilege of interacting with those who have left the church for a million and one reasons. At the end of the day, my patient's story is no more important than my own. While I am often invited into the deep, dark, secretive places... I never carry that expectation. The only thing that matters is this chance conversations, in which God does what She does best.

So, yes. I am a pastor for pedophiles, murderers, convicts, felons, aunts, uncles, children, moms, dads, doctors, nurses, the wealthy and the poor. I am a pastor for the people.

In the Grip of God's Grace,

Pastor Anitta +♡

10 Things I Wish You Knew About Being A Chaplain

In case you haven't read elsewhere, I have officially accepted a resident chaplaincy position for the 2016-17 year. I have also been reaffirmed and recommended for Local Pastor Licensure and placed in the appointment pool of the United Methodist Church. I am seeking appointment, as a local pastor, to my residency position. What this would mean for me is that, while in this place, I will be granted all of the authority necessary to perform all of the duties of Pastor within the hospital community. For those of you who are unaware, this means that I will have the authority to lead worship, preach, teach, bless communion, perform weddings as well as funerals. BUT, before I get there, I still need to finish out the next few weeks of school and work.

After a long and eventful on-call shift, I woke up and composed the following list. I am sure that I could come up with many more, but for now... my emotional, sleep deprived, exhausted brain could only come up with these 10 things that I wish you all knew. Without further ado, I present:

10 Things I Wish You Knew About Being A Chaplain

1.     I cry. Since becoming a chaplain, I have become incredibly more in touch with my own feelings. When I see someone suffering, I cannot help but cry right alongside of them.

2.     It's hard. You don't have to ask me if it's hard. It is. In no other sphere are you welcomed into someone else's deep pits of shame, sadness, fear, anxiety and depression. This pit is full of secrets that  people have never shared with children, spouses or other family members. And, somehow, they trust me with all of them.

3.     I am available. My college Stanley Hauerwas has accused contemporary pastors of being little more than a "quivering mass of availability". While, I do think healthy boundaries in a pastoral relationship are necessary. I am lucky enough to work for a Health System that believes spiritual support, especially at times of crisis, is important and goes out of their way to call chaplains in at 2am. However, when I've dragged by butt out of bed at 2am, I should NEVER hear your parishioner's say that they don't want to call you because they believe you "won't come anyway".

4.     I sleep a lot. In a typical 8-4 job, you have a predictable schedule. I, on the other hand, must ritualize my on-call shifts. I'm sorry that I can't get lunch with you. Instead, I'm taking a nap to prepare myself for the possibility of needing to be awake from 5pm - 830am. In my experience, the shifts I start tired are the ones where I truly am awake all night.

5.     I'm exhausted. Perhaps this is related to the last point. Although I am on-call from home, what little rest that I can get, is not optimal. Try sleeping deep enough that you get rest and light enough to be woken up by a screaming pager in the middle of the night. And, if I get more than two calls a night -- forget sleep altogether! My Friday shift bleeds over into my Saturday morning and then devours my entire Saturday day as I stumble between fits of sleep and wandering aimlessly around my house because I know if I sleep all day, I will be awake all night. But, I'm exhausted.

6.     I get frustrated. I get frustrated when families don't act the way that 'I want them to act'. I get frustrated when patient's only see hopelessness. I get frustrated with God. I get frustrated with other hospital disciplines for walking in and out of the room when I am trying to have an encounter with a patient or their family. I know that all of this is more about me, then them. I am working on this.

7.     I consider everything I do a sacrament. Wesley talks about sacrament as being the outward sign of an inward grace. If I didn't truly believe that God has gifted all people with grace and was working within them at all times, I could not be a chaplain. In some ways, the chaplain’s presence in the world is an outward sign of the grace that is bestowed upon all of creation.

8.     I value my relationships more. It feels like every time that I am on-call, I come face to face with death, with strained relationships and with fear of last words, last impressions and last 'I love you's'. Because of my experience as a chaplain, I have learned that the relationships that I maintain are delicate and they deserve my attention. I don't want anyone ever to feel unloved or unwanted. And, when they do, I feel the heartbreak of losing friendships significantly deeper than I use to.

9.     I have learned how to have 'hard' conversations. Again, related to the last point, it is never easy to talk to your loved ones about the true desires that you have for yourself, let alone broach the subject of health care power of attorney, 'what if' scenarios and conversations around advanced directives. Chaplaincy has shown me what happens when these conversations fail to happen. At 25, I have a healthcare power of attorney, I have decided to be DNR in certain circumstances and I know, for the most part, what those closest to me want for themselves. These conversations are difficult, but they are necessary.

10. Death is a beautiful mystery. I am always amazed at the different responses to how people handle death. Sometimes, I cry alongside of families. Sometimes, I stay in my head because the family can't quite move to the emotional space of the loss. And, sometimes, I go back after the family has left, to pray privately with a patient's body. Not because the prayer I offered in front of the family wasn't genuine, but because the prayer that I offer in private helps me ritualize my own experience.

In the Grip of God’s Grace,
Pastor Anitta +♡