This is not surprising information for most people. I am very open about my experience growing up, witnessing the ins and outs of addiction. Addiction, from my perspective, was an embodied part of my family. Not only did my parent's change when they were under the influence, my behavior changed as well. Addiction was the weird uncle who sat next to me at the dinner table, consuming more than its fair share of resources.
I recently had it reflected back to me that I am unlike other adult children of alcoholics. I was told that most of these children run from their past, keeping it secret because they grew up with a notion that revealing their inner world was unsafe. In a chaotic, unsettled life, their inner experience became a small area of control.
I have struggled with this reality. In the past, I have desired to disassociate, separate, define myself as different from my past experiences. I thought that these experiences somehow made me less of a person, less of a pastor.
However, another significant part of my story includes recovery. It includes sitting in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, night after night. What was modeled for me in these meetings is people bringing their authentic, broken selves to a community. I was shown how to self-reveal, cry and be frustrated. In these meetings, I witnessed the full range of human emotions. These meetings and the people within them chose to love one another, and myself, as though we were family. In these spaces, we were all broken and hurting. We relied heavily on a higher power and we prayed, communally, for healing and support.
Through AA, counseling, spiritual direction, seminary training and clinical pastoral education I have come to understand my past experiences as being a gift. It is from this well of hurt and pain that I am able to relate best to humanity. It is in the midst of this brokenness that I am able to share in the common human experiences of loneliness, longing, depression and anxiety.
I would not be the pastor I am today without the AA community.
I think this has become apparent to me over the course of the last few weeks. After the loss of my mother, it is was both the AA community and my local church that went out of their way to show me an incredible amount of love and support. Although I do not wish the illness of addiction on any one, or their families, I am grateful for my parent's stories. I am grateful that AA gifted me with a mother over the last 16 years.
Despite my continued grief, I am celebrating ma's 54th belly-button birthday today.
I would not be the pastor I am without her in my life.
I will be saying the Serenity Prayer tonight, for her, for myself and for those of us who might need the extra serenity, courage and wisdom to make it through the night. I invite you to join me, on your own time.
In the Grip of God's Grace,
Pastor Anitta +♡
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