For me, depression is a still, small voice in the back of my head. She tells me that I am not good enough, not well enough, that I am in trouble, that I should be ashamed, the list goes on and on. Her voice is seductive and believable. My depression is different from others. I don't have 'mope in your bed all day' depression. I have functional depression. The kind of depression which makes me appear, by everyone else's standards, 'normal'. I get up, I go to work, I succeed. My depression tells me that as long as I do the minimum to stay afloat, I will be okay. I first realized that I had depression about 9 months ago. In the same amount of time most women create life, I have created self-doubt, despair, fear and frustration. This still, small voice is powerful.
I am struck by the image of depression as being a still, small voice. As a Christian, I have typically seen the still, small voice used as a descriptor of God:
11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand at the mountain before the Lord. The Lord is passing by.” A very strong wind tore through the mountains and broke apart the stones before the Lord. But the Lord wasn’t in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake. But the Lord wasn’t in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake, there was a fire. But the Lord wasn’t in the fire. After the fire, there was a sound. Thin. Quiet. 13 When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his coat. He went out and stood at the cave’s entrance. A voice came to him and said, “Why are you here, Elijah?”
1 Kings 19:11-13 (CEB)
Martha's words evoke discomfort and familiarity within me. As a pastor, I often wonder how I will maintain my own mental health 'when I start doing real ministry'. However, a significant learning for me over the last year is that I cannot wait for a 'someday' to come. Mental health is as important to my ministry as physical and emotional health.
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